Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Up Your Ass with a Pint from a Glass

I've said it a million times. Let's make it a million and one: I'm sooo glad I'm not a teenager anymore. It was bad enough in the late '80s and early '90s, when you could hardly pick your nose without some concerned oaf pestering you about drug abuse, suicide or the importance of wearing a bike helmet (this captures the general tenor of the era rather nicely). Kids these days have all of that, but they're also no doubt having to sit through lectures about the drawbacks of shooting your classmates, huffing Drano, cutting and the 'choking game'.

Could it get any worse? It just got worse. From the Stevens Point Journal, under the headline Youth get creative in drug use:

"Drug use among central Wisconsin children isn't the only concern for parents and law enforcement officials, who also worry about dangerous behavior that continues in central Wisconsin youths.

"Huffing, choking and..."


Hold on. I need to take a minute before I can go on. Let me take a deep breath. Alright. Let's try this again.

"Huffing, choking and alcohol enemas are some of the methods children are using to get high,said Wisconsin Rapids Police Detective Phyllis Wesener. Those actions can lead to brain damage or even death."

I dunno, it seems to me that anyone who says that an alcohol enema could lead to brain damage has it exactly backwards. But I feel we must press on.

"The alcohol is absorbed in the intestines and can get the teenager drunk quickly. An alternative method is to soak a tampon in alcohol and insert it."

Dear god man, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK IT????????

"Participants believe there is less chance of getting caught because their breath won't smell of alcohol, although the alcohol will work its way into the system and can be smelled."

...!

"Teenagers are sharing information about the practice online, as Wesener found 15 pages of information on alcohol enemas on the Web in less than five minutes. The pages were from chat rooms and included tips on the best methods to use and actual enema recipes."

As I'm posting this at work, I'll wait until later to google 'alcohol enemas'.

"The alcohol enemas also can have serious consequences, Wesener said. The alcohol can be absorbed quickly, causing dangerously high blood-alcohol concentrations. Someone who passes out might end up in an emergency room with doctors not realizing the person still is absorbing alcohol."

Who are these people? What are their names? Hasn't it occured to them that there may be other ways to mask the tell-tale scent of booze breath? If there really is an epidemic of kids pouring Pabst down the wrong end, then where are the police reports and hospital records and teary-eyed confessions and medical statistics and other kinds of, y'know, proof? Detective Phyllis doesn't point to anything tangible to suggest a rise in this type of behavior, let alone a single verfiable incident - are we just supposed to trust her? Isn't there some kind of rule that says that outlandish claims have to be verified before they can be published in a newspaper?

But forget all that right now. Let's say that this checks out: this is how, in 2006, teenagers throughout America (or at least central Wisconsin) really are getting their kicks (but, like, how do they even do this? Do they self-administer (jeez, as if solo drinking wasn't depresing enough...)? Do kids do this for other kids? Is there some kind of self-regulating rectal drip that you can buy over the counter at Walgreen's™?). If this is true, don't you think it might be a good excuse to step back and maybe re-examine, in the cool blue light of reality, the way alcohol is regulated? Not to put too fine a point on it, but(t): if teenagers are so all-fired desperate for a cocktail that - immediately after adding all the ingrediants, mixing it up in a shaker, pouring it into the properly-shaped glass and tracking down a garnish - they are squirting them up their own assholes, can we declare that any heretofore-attempted 'alcohol-prevention' program has well and truly failed? I would think that this would've been a good question to put to Detective Phyllis at some point in the article; this, along with research, seems like something that the Journal reporter isn't interested in.

I wasn't what you'd call a wild party animal or anything, but I did my share of drinking when I was a teenager; so did most of my friends, few of whom were Blutarskys-in-training. My parents' generation, though - at least, according to my parents - were another matter altogether. When my mom was a teenager in the '50s, the drinking age was a) 18 and b) not enforced. She's told me many stories of youthful blind drunkenness and the adventures that ensued (including but not limited to driving home, which right there is dumber than anything I ever did while sauced-out). A few of her friends from those days ended their lives in booze-induced mishaps; probably more than a few became alcoholics. I'm not claiming that there are no potentially negative consequences to consider.

But beer commercials don't lie: drinking is fun and cool; that's why people do it. This is particularly true in Wisconsin. I have to chuckle at Detective Phyllis's efforts to curb 'teen drinking' in a region which was, economically, practically built on breweries. Even the state government here has only restricted access to booze with great reluctance, and usually at the urging of the feds (most notoriously in the late '80s, when President "Let's Get Big Government Off Our Backs" Reagan's Department of Transportation threatened to withold highway funds to the state unless it raised the drinking age to 21). 'Teens' have been drinking in this state since before anyone called them that, and somehow we were able to make it into the 21st century. No matter how many MADD floats I saw in the homecoming parade or how many retarded videos I watched in health class which purported to show 'the truth' about the dangers of booze, I still wanted to scare up some firewater on the weekend. I don't think that kids today (or kids in the future) are going to magically turn out any different, no matter how much screeching they have to endure.

I realize that its kind of goofy to devote so many words and so much venom to kicking this story's shins - what's easier than poking fun at small-town journalism? But just check out the last two creepy paragraphs:

"Parents should be aware of what children could be doing. Symptoms of the activities are similar to symptoms seen in drug users, she said. If a child has personality changes, becomes withdrawn, changes friends or is acting differently, parents should talk to them. It's also important to question things that seem out of place, like a bottle of cleaner in a child's bedroom.

"Wesener advises parents who believe their children are participating in these activities to take them to a doctor. The first thing is to have the children examined to be sure they haven't caused any permanent damage to themselves. Parents then should take their children to a counselor or other professional to get help in changing the behavior."


What kid wouldn't need a glass (or bag) of beer after that?

Saturday, April 15, 2006

At Least We Know How to Properly Spell 'Center' and 'Check' and 'Tire' and...

Hey! Americans are fat, slobby and stupid and the rest of the world isn't just going to sit back and take it anymore!!

Loud and brash, in gawdy garb and baseball caps, more than three million of them flock to our shores [in the UK - ed.] every year. Shuffling between tourist sites or preparing to negotiate a business deal, they bemoan the failings of the world outside the United States.

The reputation of the 'Ugly American' abroad is not, however, just some cruel stereotype, but - according to the American government itself - worryingly accurate. Now, the State Department in Washington has joined forces with American industry to plan an image make-over by issuing guides for Americans travelling overseas on how to behave.

Under a programme starting next month, several leading US companies will give employees heading abroad a 'World Citizens Guide' featuring 16 etiquette tips on how they can help improve America's battered international image.


Huh. So what will the ignorant Yanqui learn from these handy brochures?

The guide also offers tips on the dangers of dressing too casually, the pluses of learning a few words of the local language, use of hand gestures and even map-reading.

Fine idea, but I find that lessons in the above-mentioned skills are sorely needed by most of the Americans still in America...

I'll Give You $12.50 for 'Polythene Pam'

Michael Jackson is selling the Beatles catalogue.

One of my favorite rock n roll urban legends - no idea if its true or not - goes like this: relaxing in between takes during the 'Say Say Say'/'The Girl is Mine' sessions, Paul McCartney decided to give his (then) young and inexperienced collaborator some finanacial advice. "You know, Michael," says Sir Paul, "this pop star thing isn't going to last forever. You've got to plan for your future. I suggest you look into some investments like, say, oh, I dunno, real estate or precious metals or...I dunno...song catalogs and the like..."

By time he was back in London, Sir Paul had been sold out by Ringo, George and Yoko...

Emo Kills

I don't really care too much about the particular moral panic that that dingbat Michelle Malkin's trying to stir up here, but check out that last sentence!

"Have you heard of 'cutting'? If you're a parent, you'd better read up. 'Cutting' refers to self-mutilation -- using knives, razor blades or even safety pins to deliberately harm one's own body -- and it's spreading to a school near you.

"Actresses Angelina Jolie and Christina Ricci did it. So did Courtney Love and the late Princess Diana. On the Internet, there are scores of websites (with titles such as 'Blood Red,' 'Razor Blade Kisses' and 'The Cutting World') featuring 'famous self-injurers,' photos of teenagers' self-inflicted wounds and descriptions of their techniques. The destructive practice has been depicted in films targeting young girls and teens (such as 'Thirteen'). There is even a new genre of music -- 'emo' -- associated with promoting the cutting culture.


Oh, man, if only! As one who spent the latter half of the 1990s at ground zero of the whole midwestern emo situation, I've often wished for those with Romulan haircuts, nerd glasses and flood pants to meet with spectacular and messy injuries, self-inflicted or otherwise.

(via Hit & Run)

Stating the Obvious

I realize that the only proper response to the statement I'm about to make is a supersonic "DUUUUH!!!"; I furthermore recognize that the content of my message is about as controversial and original as, oh, say, "the sky is blue" and "the grass is green", but: Zacarias Moussaoui is a fucking motherfucking asshole.

"Reasserting his role in Sept. 11, al-Qaida conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui told jurors Thursday he has 'no regret, no remorse,' was disgusted by the heart-rending testimony of victims and relatives and only wished they had suffered more.

Seriously, is someone making this up? I'm can't believe how melodramatically evil this guy is. Does he twist his moustache when he's on the witness stand? Does he rub the palms of his hands together and whisper "Exxxxxxcellent...!" to himself?

"Among his most startling statements, Moussaoui said Army Lt. Col. John Thurman's harrowing account of escaping the burning Pentagon left him with 'regret that he didn't die.'

"He mocked a Navy officer who wept as she described the death of two subordinates in the attack on the Pentagon.

"'I think it was disgusting for a military person' to cry, Moussaoui said of Lt. Nancy McKeown. 'She is military. She should expect people at war with her to want to kill her.'

"Asked if he was happy to hear her sobbing, he said, 'Make my day.'


Honestly now, I know you're trying to play up the whole bizarre-religious-fanatic angle, but don't you think you're laying it on kind of thick?

"He noted many relatives of victims wept on the witness stand, then walked past him in the courtroom and looked his way without crying. 'I find it disgusting that people come here to share their grief over the death of some other person,' he said.

"'I'm glad there was pain, and I wish there will be more pain,' Moussaoui said. 'The children in Palestine and in Chechnya will have pain. I want you to share their pain.'

"So, Spencer asked: 'You have no regret, no remorse?'

"'No regret, no remorse,' Moussaoui responded.

"When he left court after the judge and jury, he yelled: 'God curse America. We will win. It's just a question of time.'

Keeping Up with the Eustons

I'm spending this Easter weekend visiting relatives and fleeing from horrific storms down here in Tornado Alley. However, I have managed to grab a few spare minutes to read the Euston Manifesto which, for those that aren't familiar, is the latest bit of internet political tomfoolery that's been making the rounds recently. I have to say that I wholeheartedly endorse it, all three versions of it.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Wisconsin Underpants-Related Crime Update

I'm having a tough time deciding which of these headlines I like better:

Judge talks tough to two-time underwear thief

Man sentenced for underwear incidents

These are actually referring to two separate recent incidents, both of which I first heard of through the usual "goofy news"-type outlets. But there's no substitute for following a tale back to its source. The story referred to by the first headline, in which one Anthony Scholfield of Menomonie, Wisconsin, received a year-long jail term for his theft of 14 pair of womens' underthings, got maybe half a decent-sized paragraph when mentioned on the world's papers and websites; head on over to the Dunn County News page, however, and you'll find a sprawling, epic courtroom drama more akin to one of those god damn Law and Order permutations than something for the "wacky" morning show DJ to read.

"Scholfield was first convicted of felony burglary in December of 2003 after a search of his apartment uncovered more than 850 pairs of stolen women’s underwear. Released after two years’ probation, he repeated the offense in July 2005.

"According to the criminal complaint, his most recent victim, a 24-year-old woman, had ordered a pizza from Jeff and Jim’s Pizza, where Scholfield worked as a delivery man, on July 1 before leaving town for the Fourth of July weekend. When she returned, she noticed that the screen had been removed from a window of her apartment.

"Two recent burglaries that took place near the UW-Stout over the prior Memorial Day weekend alerted Menomonie police to a pattern that resembled Scholfield’s prior mode of operation. A search of the man’s apartment yielded 14 pairs of stolen panties, three of them identified as belonging to the victim."


There's more. Much, much more.

Story #2 lacks the Hitchcockian burn of irresistible, sexualized obsession, instead turning on that eternal human theme: REVENGE!

"A 58-year-old Wausau man was sentenced today to six months of probation after he was caught on videotape hanging underwear from the mirrors of vehicles at the Wausau and Marathon County Parks, Recreation and Forestry Department....

"Police received a complaint in August from Parks Department Director Bill Duncanson, who said bras and panties of all different sizes had been hung on the department’s vehicles 30 to 50 times at night while they were parked on River Drive."


Most distressingly:

"Some of the underwear is new and some seemed to be worn, according to the police report."

From the The Racine Journal Times:

"A police report on the matter said the man acknowledged he had put the underwear on the vehicles, saying he was upset with the parks department because an employee cutting grass at Big Bull Falls Park would blow grass onto him while he sat in a gazebo."

Monday, April 10, 2006

"...another example of the formation of public space"

I feel like a real dingbat for only just finding out about this post at Ann Althouse's blog; the ensuing discussion of "Punk: Madison style" has attracted over 100 comments, and I weep, wail and gnash my teeth for the dozens of opportunities for snark and smarm that I let slip through my fingers. Pour yourself a drink and enjoy.

BONUS LAFFS: Here's the original Isthmus article that started the whole thing.

Whither Grandma?

Huh. I've probably listened to Kiss's Deuce 1,000 times, but it was only when I read this post on Breden Halpin's Girl in a Cage blog (which I found thanks to this post from Dr. Frank) that I realized what the opening line of the song is:

Kiss, if you believe Gene Simmons (not sure why you should, except he seems to be less full of shit on the subject of money than anything else), has been a completely cynical moneymaking machine from day one. But this doesn't dim the brilliance of, say, "Deuce". I mean, "get up and get your grandma outta here." No idea what that song is about, but they had me at get your grandma outta here.

What this made me think of immediately was, of course, Terence Trent D'Arby's Dance Little Sister, which begins with the following exhortation:

Get up 'outta' your rockin' chair grandma!
Or rather would you care to dance grandmother?


That was courtesy of The Terence Trent D'Arby Lyrics Site, by the way.

I've been reading Frank Kogan's book, Real Punks Don't Wear Black (which I highly recommend); in the essay Death Rock 2000, he tentatively lays out an observation of a key difference between (trad) white music and (trad) black music:

[Kelis's Caught Out There] jumps right out and away from r&b, from black culture, from music. It's not about empowerment, getting even, taking control - it's not cool, not grace under pressure, not wit and wisdom of wronged sisterhood. It's just plain a scream of hate. She's losing it. Just completely losing it. Out of control. and that's where the song seems more white than black - not that whites lose control more than blacks, but that whites in music lose control more than blacks, because, for some whites, losing control is freedom, breaking out of oneself and one's world...Whereas for blacks, in general, freedom is about gaining control, not losing it.

Interesting theory, Frank. But have you considered the Grandma Factor?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

From the Mouths of Babes

Sit back. Close your eyes. Click here and listen.

Pretty weird, eh? At what point did you decide it was bogus? When I played this the first time, Stacey was in the room, and she pricked up her ears and listened in spite of herself. It was the whole "I will put an end to war" bit that really tipped her off, though it was unusual to hear Mr. "No Regrets" say that he'd been "doin' things that I shouldn't've."

You may be wondering what the meaning of all this is. Oaklander Helena Keeffe "makes art projects that serve as catalysts for social engagement." One day, she had an idea:

"'What if something like this happened to our president. What if he were humbled in some way which caused a profound change in his outlook on life and his role as the leader of our country - turning the aggressive posturing of an all-attack-all-the-time leader into a gentler, wiser soul determined to demonstrate the power of honesty and vulnerability."

With this idea in mind I put out an open call for people to write speeches for President Bush, offering a $50 cash prize.
"

The audio dispatch from Earth-17 at the front of this post was the winning entry, from some bunch of elementary school kids. Other drafts can be found here. My favorite is from someone - presumably another pre-teen - named Melissa (all spelling and punctuation is hers):

I know I have been a bad president and have come to the conclusion that it is because like Dick Chaney I have eaten too many twinkies. It gives you high blood-sugar!! I am sorry that all I care about is money and using all taxes for bombs to explode things. It is true I must say and it is sad but I love the word explode. Beware children the twinkies might get you!!!!!! It's True

I'm mainly getting kicks out of the weird loopiness of Melissa's entry, but I do have to say that I'm impressed at her knowledge of history - I don't think that I knew about the Twinkie Defense when I was her age.

(via Tim Blair)

Saturday, April 08, 2006

"I try to improve a little every day."

That was the response Noam Chomsky gave me when I asked him which of the post-Teengenerate groups (Raydios, Tweezers or Firestarter) was the best. Then I asked if the US should invade Iran, and he said "You must examine the facts and come to your own conclusion," which is actually a pretty good answer; much better than his usual advice on such matters.

Go ahead and ask him a question yourself - see if you can get a straight answer from him about the Spiderman clone saga, I never could.

(via The Popinjays)

The Truth About Dogs

I suppose that, as the owner of two cats, I am not to be trusted on matters concerning dogs. But I don't think its feline chavanism that compells me to agree with David Aaronovich:

Fourth, what exactly is ludicrous about not liking dog shit on the pavements next to primary schools, and what about such dislike constitutes a "position"?

My walk to work (along East Mifflin St.) is littered with coiled-up dog feces; I may as well measure it by the number of turds as by feet, yards or miles. Madison has a considerable amount of dog owners, and a considerable amount of those appear to be irresponsible bozos who don't care to clean up after their animals. Nobody has hit our lawn yet; if that happens, I may have to resort to my co-worker Chuck's solution. In his yard, he's posted a sign that reads "WANT A DEAD DOG? LET HIM CRAP HERE!!"

So far, no takers.

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